The days and weeks after your birth are so important. In many cultures it is a time away and separate from the regular rhythm of daily life and is focused solely on healing and bonding. New parents of any gender each experience a continuing surge of the hormone oxytocin as they fall in love deeper and deeper with their child.
It can also be a time of stress as new parents struggle to adapt to less sleep, less independence and changing roles in the home and relationship dynamics. If your birth was difficult in any way for either partner, it's important to discuss and assimilate the experience as this can make a big difference in your emotional levels, thus impacting how you cope with your new reality as well as how you feel about your baby.
In a Village, the new parents would have constant support and encouragement, while at the same time, be given as much privacy as needed for the oxytocin levels to stay high. In our western culture, new families are expected to manage mostly on their own, relying on a temporary, and possibly intrusive, visit from from the grandparents, or on friends with young families of their own.
As the new mother heals physically from the birth, and diligently learns how to feed the baby, and as both parents learn their baby's personality and how to soothe and physically provide care, there is still housework and meals and constant "problem solving" to occur.
Ideally, the partner and a grandparent can find the perfect balance of support, guidance and home care, even while tending to themselves so as not to feel overwhelmed. A compassionate grandparent can support the new family and empower them to make their own decisions while at the same time remembering that they are an invited guest and baby cuddles are a special gift and not a right. The grandparent can provide meals, snacks, drinks, laundry, shopping and cleaning so as to encourage the parents to focus on resting and being together with the baby. In quiet moments in the home, this selfless grandparent can also tend skillfully to their own needs.
An experienced postpartum caregiver, including the experienced grandparent, can play a loving role in empowering the new father or partner to find ways to soothe baby after feedings, be a problem solver when any issues arise with breastfeeding, help the new mother to keep relaxed, be a "gatekeeper" by not allowing too many visits that last too long, and by making sure the mother has everything they need within close reach.
An experienced postpartum caregiver can also help assure the new family that the struggles they are experiencing are normal, or notice immediately if there are indications that something outside the norm is occurring and where to look for help. Additionally, a postpartum caregiver can recognize if either new parent is experiencing any depression or anxiety with their new role. Sleep deprivation, which happens to all new parents, can trigger loss of confidence, obsessive concern about the baby's welfare, and even the inability to sleep when the baby is sleeping. A compassionate caregiver can help guide the parents to more self care, discussions, massage, meditation/walks in nature, breast milk storage and occasional bottle feedings, thus preventing even more issues from arising.
Find out how best a postpartum doula can support your family, whether it is a few hours per day, or a few days per week, or even the first few weeks. Average home visits from your birth attendant, whether from your birth doula or your midwife (OBs and pediatricians do not provide home visits) last an hour or two and focus on answering questions. A postpartum doula can provide much of the care outlined above, as well as answer questions, discuss your birth, do your shopping, laundry, prepare nutritious meals and also give you plenty of space to rest and bond with your baby. All of this can ensure that the Newborn Parents' levels of oxytocin remain high, and healing and adjusting remain a smooth process.
In a consultation, suggest that the following be a part of of your postpartum preparation:
Meet with your postpartum doula, ideally before your birth, to figure out all the details. Your family deserves all the benefits of a postpartum doula without adding extra stress on your finances. Contact Pacific Birth Collective to see if financial help is available.
P.S. The Importance of Dads and Grandmas to the Breastfeeding Mother, by Wendy Jones, is an extremely easy to read book written from the perspective of a Grandma, who also has a lot of experience with breastfeeding mothers, but learned many lessons about supporting her own family in a new way with the birth of her grandchildren.
It can also be a time of stress as new parents struggle to adapt to less sleep, less independence and changing roles in the home and relationship dynamics. If your birth was difficult in any way for either partner, it's important to discuss and assimilate the experience as this can make a big difference in your emotional levels, thus impacting how you cope with your new reality as well as how you feel about your baby.
In a Village, the new parents would have constant support and encouragement, while at the same time, be given as much privacy as needed for the oxytocin levels to stay high. In our western culture, new families are expected to manage mostly on their own, relying on a temporary, and possibly intrusive, visit from from the grandparents, or on friends with young families of their own.
As the new mother heals physically from the birth, and diligently learns how to feed the baby, and as both parents learn their baby's personality and how to soothe and physically provide care, there is still housework and meals and constant "problem solving" to occur.
Ideally, the partner and a grandparent can find the perfect balance of support, guidance and home care, even while tending to themselves so as not to feel overwhelmed. A compassionate grandparent can support the new family and empower them to make their own decisions while at the same time remembering that they are an invited guest and baby cuddles are a special gift and not a right. The grandparent can provide meals, snacks, drinks, laundry, shopping and cleaning so as to encourage the parents to focus on resting and being together with the baby. In quiet moments in the home, this selfless grandparent can also tend skillfully to their own needs.
An experienced postpartum caregiver, including the experienced grandparent, can play a loving role in empowering the new father or partner to find ways to soothe baby after feedings, be a problem solver when any issues arise with breastfeeding, help the new mother to keep relaxed, be a "gatekeeper" by not allowing too many visits that last too long, and by making sure the mother has everything they need within close reach.
An experienced postpartum caregiver can also help assure the new family that the struggles they are experiencing are normal, or notice immediately if there are indications that something outside the norm is occurring and where to look for help. Additionally, a postpartum caregiver can recognize if either new parent is experiencing any depression or anxiety with their new role. Sleep deprivation, which happens to all new parents, can trigger loss of confidence, obsessive concern about the baby's welfare, and even the inability to sleep when the baby is sleeping. A compassionate caregiver can help guide the parents to more self care, discussions, massage, meditation/walks in nature, breast milk storage and occasional bottle feedings, thus preventing even more issues from arising.
Find out how best a postpartum doula can support your family, whether it is a few hours per day, or a few days per week, or even the first few weeks. Average home visits from your birth attendant, whether from your birth doula or your midwife (OBs and pediatricians do not provide home visits) last an hour or two and focus on answering questions. A postpartum doula can provide much of the care outlined above, as well as answer questions, discuss your birth, do your shopping, laundry, prepare nutritious meals and also give you plenty of space to rest and bond with your baby. All of this can ensure that the Newborn Parents' levels of oxytocin remain high, and healing and adjusting remain a smooth process.
In a consultation, suggest that the following be a part of of your postpartum preparation:
- Have a breast pump on hand before birth, most insurances cover this, but you may need to check to see if it will be available before your birth.
- Set aside some grocery money for a Mana/ Foodland/Safeway/Costco gift/cash card that can be sent with me, a grandparent or a friend to make it easier for helpers to get you needed supplies.
- Take a look at some simple one pot recipes that provide warming qualities for quicker healing and added comfort, and pre-choose a few favorites that can prepared (by helpers) and available on the stove throughout the day.
- Streamline your laundry and cleaning protocols so anyone can do this for you.
- Locate your favorite websites or books that your partner can use to troubleshoot any breastfeeding issues. As well as what to expect in the first days and weeks postpartum in the mother's body.
- Determine an effective "gate keeping" plan, including specific times guests can come and what they can bring or do that would help most, and a predetermined signal to indicate to me or your partner that it is time to get your privacy back.
- Have a phone number on hand for an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) who will make a home visit if necessary or desired.
- Create a nest where the mother would prefer spending much of their time. Have extra pillows, a close side table, large water bottle, phone charger, place for a snack, and the TV remote or books or magazines.
- Create a new childcare plan for your older children; a new part time babysitter, some new easy to clean craft projects, new-to-them books. If you take a moment after they are in bed to set up a "station" that attracts them right when they wake up, you might have a simpler start to the day. Try switching out toys from their regular resting places, or set up a little treasure hunt (for the older kids), maybe the dolls they rarely play with will become a new favorite. Ask experienced friends and family about what worked for them.
- If partner needs to get back to work quickly, have a plan about the extra duties that need to be completed before departure so that the mother can continue to feel supported throughout the day. Upon re-entry, another plan in place that allows for partner's decompression from work first, then providing relief to the mother.
- Be prepared, in a subtle way, for any "unexpecteds", like healing from a surgical birth or separation from baby.
Meet with your postpartum doula, ideally before your birth, to figure out all the details. Your family deserves all the benefits of a postpartum doula without adding extra stress on your finances. Contact Pacific Birth Collective to see if financial help is available.
P.S. The Importance of Dads and Grandmas to the Breastfeeding Mother, by Wendy Jones, is an extremely easy to read book written from the perspective of a Grandma, who also has a lot of experience with breastfeeding mothers, but learned many lessons about supporting her own family in a new way with the birth of her grandchildren.
